At least I try! It is extremely difficult some days. Today was one of those days. I came across this meme in a Lyme group that gives a pretty good sense as to why:
This was my night. This was my morning. Plus, Lyme causes severe chemical sensitivities and other breathing issues for me, so add intense air hunger and risk of anaphylaxis from everyday products to this list. I knew spending the day in bed watching Netflix would be a perfectly reasonably response, I also knew it would leave me feeling more detached and disconnected than I already did.
Bad days leave me feeling cut off. Cut off from feeling like myself. Cut off from feeling love. It’s a spiritually lonely feeling. When I had my first fallout from Lyme treatment, I had what I suppose you would call a spiritual crisis. The constant borage of horrifying symptoms made me feel so deeply alone and estranged from God/dess, the universe, Shakhinah (feel free to use whatever name is useful to you).
Today I had to push myself to get ready to leave the house and was out of breath after putting on socks (on a good day I can cycle 10 miles and go to a yoga class, it’s an odd range right now). I pushed forward and we went to this breathtakingly gorgeous woodsie spot by the ocean only 20 miles from our house. Down at the beach, this little spot in the sandstone rock was calling to me. I tucked myself in to a crevice in the rocks and felt so deeply comforted.
Meditation is usually hard for me. I have an active-PhD brain and am always plotting 80 books and writing at least one. In this spot, I melted into meditation. My gaze on the horizon, my breathing following the rhythm of the waves, my anxiety over this Bad Day unfurled as I felt–dare I say it–at peace! Feeling connected to love and to my own self gave me some ease in managing the horrible symptoms. Don’t get me wrong, if I had a magic wand, I would get rid of them. Instantly. But this truly was a moment of cultivating peace in the struggle.
I am ending today still in pain, more pain than usual; I am also ending the day with more peace than usual and this is a rare and wonderful thing. Also, how great is my town that we live close to the city center and also so close to this magnificent spot? Whatever you have going on in your life right now, I am wishing you some peace in your struggle–however you might find it.